Patience is a Virtue

Things are not getting done around here, mostly its just painting and cleaning and all the usual chores. As more and more people find out we're moving, the more and more we hear "aww! we're going to miss you!" or "NO! You're not allowed to leave!" And I understand this and it makes me feel more loved than I thought I was, but it also means more people to connect with before we leave. That's going to really suck. I'm already scheduled to spend the weekend with one of my best childhood friends, MaryAnn. I'm sure we'll hav a blast!

As we think more and more about what's going to happen and everything, the more I dread to move. Such as today we were talking about how we would fit into the society and the culture of Deer Park, the place we plan to live, and Mikey, my little brother, was saying "I get to be the new hot guy at church and school." When he said this, I instantly wanted to stay here. He always seems to be the person everyone knows and wants to be friends with, leaving me and Matt, my older brother, in his shadow. That's not something I don't want to have happen. In fact, I want to have a place where no one knows my family and only knows me, because when everyone knows just me, they only have me to know, and love and everything. Once they meet my family and my little brother, they'll forget who I am. And when I say I want to have a place where only people know me, I don't mean to be the coolest person that everyone wants to be friends with and be an attention hog, I mean that I want to be known and loved for who I am, a nice, outgoing, funny person who cares more about other people than I do myself. I don't care about being cool and having a lot of friends, I just want to be known. At Stadium, people don't have to know who I'm related to, what they look like and the kind of person they are, just that I have family. Sure I'm not well known, but Stadium is my place to just blend in with other people and not worry about having to live up, or down, to what people know about my family. When we move to Deer Park, it's going to be small school where the high school and middle school will probably be in one building and everyone, even the seniors and all the people I would have been friends with, will all know Mikey and not even give me a second glance. They probably won't even give me a first. I don't want that.

Mikey gets his reputation by bragging about how buff he is, how much smarter and "cooler" he is than everyone else, and by making fun of people. I don't want that kind of reputation, but it seems like that's the only way people are going to know me. Yes, Mikey has a different side to him, the funny, sensitive, smart, nerdy side where you just want to be around him because he's so sweet, but I can't stand to be seen with him in public when he doesn't want anything to do with me, and just wants to make fun of people.

You want to say that "Oh well the horses are your world" and that's partially true, but my mom is part of that world too, and it's not very big. The horse world is very,very, very, small. Mom and I have a rep of being a pair no matter where we go. I just want a place that is my own where people know me and don't know who my family is. If there's one thing I hate, it's living beneath the shadow of my little brother because he's not nice to people in public. Why is it that I'm nice person, but I'm no better than the gum on people's shoes? Or is that just how I'm feeling right now?